Have you ever found yourself in a situation, not really of your making, and certainly not of your choosing, that you felt incapable of getting out of?
It’s one of those positions where, if I give up all my beliefs and stop defending myself against something my entire being believes is wrong, I might be able to salvage something semi positive. If not; I simply see no way forward.
Part of me hates it. But part of me is so stubborn and so hurt that I don’t think I can let it go.
And, so it goes on. Don’t get me wrong; I’m merely a bit part player in someone else’s drama. I didn’t start it and I didn’t ask for it, but here we are.
I hate hatred. I abhor sexism; racism; xenophobia; homophobia and general petty, Ill informed ignorance. I was brought up to respect everyone and treat others the way if like to be treated And, for the most part, I manage without a problem.
I hate confrontation, I hate feeling like I’ve upset anyone, and I tend to apologise for things I haven’t even done. The peace keeper in me can’t help it.
But, in exceptional circumstances, I can turn. And there’s no way back for the people in the firing line. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t scream and shout. I’m not nasty and I don’t pull childish tricks. I just stop. Completely.
In my life, I’ve done it twice. I have cut someone out of my life forever. And I have no regrets. It takes a LOT to make me like this and I’m just not the type of person who forgets. I had forgiven a great deal through the years, but I can’t ever get past people who expect others to change to suit what THEY want in life and give zero fucks about the person they want to conform.
I did for so long during my marriage, but no more. And it’s sad in a way because I hate feeling like I’m causing trouble and I’m so used to backing down to keep the peace.
Eventually, though, even *I* reach my limit. And when I do, it’s over…for good.
Maybe I should be like other people and just stand up for myself without apologising for it. Or feeling bad. I have no real reason to, and the more guilty I feel, the angrier the whole situation makes me. And that simply makes me more entrenched.
Am I alone in feeling crap about a situation I haven’t created, but feel I’m being punished for defending myself against?